42 signs you are in a relationship with a cyclist

  1. You are watching TV and the clock ticks to 9pm and suddenly you find yourself sitting in the dark and your partner is in bed asleep.

  2. You learn to drink a whole bottle of wine yourself as your partner never drinks when he has to get up at 5am and go riding (which is every day).

  3. You eat pasta five times a week.

  4. Your dish drying rack is always full of water bottles.

  5. You are constantly woken up at 5.30am thinking there is a horse in the house. It's just your partner walking around in his cleats.

  6. Every time you open a kitchen cabinet at least one water bottle falls on you.

  7. You get berated for buying the expensive toilet paper even though there is a constant stream of packages arriving from Wiggle each week.

  8. You get thanked for buying the expensive toilet paper when your partner has a saddle sore.

  9. The dining room table becomes a space for spare parts - Garmin, lights, helmet, glasses, spare tubes, brake pads...

  10. Going for walks after a ride is apparently some sort of evil torture.

  11. Going on a holiday that doesn't involve a bike is no longer an option.

  12. Dinner party conversations now revolve around power data, race analysis and what new bike to buy next.

  13. You find sweaty heart rate monitor straps in your laundry basket.

  14. Just about every surface in your house is covered in black, greasy fingerprints.

  15. You have a cupboard full of baby wipes even though you don't have a child.

  16. You are woken up at 5.00am every morning by the shine of your partner staring at the rain radar on thier phone.

  17. You get into trouble because you shifted your partner's bike slightly so you could get past it to the door.

  18. You've caught your partner cleaning their bike in the bathtub at least once.

  19. You always take the back roads in a car because that's the way you partner goes on the bike.

  20. When it's raining your partner is initially elated then grumpy for the rest of the day.

  21. You can only go to cafes with good bike parking.

  22. You pick your holiday destinations around iconic hill climbs.

  23. The foam roller and stretching mat are permanently on the living room floor.

  24. Your partner packs an energy gel for a stroll around the park.

  25. The only TV you get to watch in July is Le Tour.

  26. You constantly find Velcro gloves stuck to your work clothes in the wash.

  27. Your laundry cupboard is stocked with a 10 year supply of wool wash.

  28. You once bought your partner a pair of 4 inch cycling socks for Christmas and you've never seen them since. Actually you did once...a homeless guy was wearing them.

  29. Your car is filthy and the engine light has been on for 12 months but the bikes are shiny and as soon as there is a slight tick it's off to the bike shop for a check up.

  30. Your partner always flexes their thighs in photos.

  31. It's become OK to wear Lycra to the shops and you once heard your partner say it would be much easier if they could wear Lycra at work.

  32. Your partner doesn’t have time to clean the toilet but has plenty of time to analyse their ride data on Strava.

  33. Your husband has smoother legs than you and your razor blade is always blunt.

  34. You catch your partner putting chamois cream on in the bathroom and you can never erase that vision from your memory.

  35. Paintings are removed from your apartment walls to make room for a bike rack.

  36. When renovating your house you have to consider the colours of your partner’s bike when picking new paint.

  37. You get the silent treatment when you suggest the bikes live outside.

  38. Your partner says "car back" and "over" when you are walking across the street.

  39. Your partner reaches for the water bottle every time you come to a red light in the car.

  40. You can't find anywhere to charge your phone because the powerpoints are all full with lights, power meters, Garmins.

  41. Channel 9 is banned in your house because they once bought the rights to the Tour Down Under from SBS then streamed reruns of the cricket instead.

  42. If an exciting stage of the Tour de France fails to record on your machine then the day becomes one of official mourning.

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